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Gregorian Calendarists predict coming apocalypse

People all over the world are today increasingly worried about the foretold end of the world, predicted by the ending of the current cycle of the Gregorian calendar. The calendar, which so far has been running for a period of around 355 days, will come to an end on 31st December, at which point experts [citation needed] predict that the world will end, caused by mysterious gravitational alignments of planets, geomagnetic reversals and the cataclysmic collision with Earth of the fictional planet Nibiru.

While no evidence of any of these forthcoming events has yet been observed by scientists, and in fact many of them are contradicted by simple astronomical observations, sales of apocalypse survival shelters have increased (such as these fine ones from Atlas Survival Shelters; other brands are available), as have ticket sales to ‘Apocalypse Parties’, where people will celebrate the world’s ending by getting drunk, primarily to numb themselves against any possible catastrophic explosions or destruction. Musician Jools Holland is apparently planning an apocalyptic Hootenanny on 31st December, at which celebrities and musicians will come together to party and fear for their lives in a boozy huddle at the stroke of midnight.

We spoke to an unnamed Mayan, who said, “It’s a shame the world will be ending in 11 days from now, as our Mesoamerican Long Count calendar has just entered a new B’ak’tun, which to us symbolises a fresh start and new life – for us, the end of the calendar will be an opportunity for a huge celebration. It’s such a pity that after that, we’ll only have another 11 days of existence.”

One Response to “Gregorian Calendarists predict coming apocalypse”

  1. Mr H

    I fear that this is too ironic and clever to be understood by the buffoons at whom it is aimed; I enjoyed it, though!

    Reply

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